Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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