He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You ruined the universe
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
