I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
