you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
