woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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