I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
