Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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