Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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