the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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