I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
