dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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