I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
