there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
