I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
