Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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