So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
