he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
