Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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