it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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