The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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