Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
