He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have fence marks all over my body
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize