if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
