Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
