halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
