Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
