The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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