I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize