I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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