For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
