Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize