barbara walters just said penis...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
