He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
