Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
