I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
