I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize