This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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