I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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