I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
