dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
