i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
