My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
