I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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