got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
