Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
