I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
