new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
