My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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