You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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