went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize