I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
