There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
