I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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