The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
