new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
