i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
