I seem to have left my pride at pride
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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