No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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